rambling

(fall 2005 picture)

Part I

The interesting thing about living in a college town that is not your native city is that your former peers, ex-classmates and acquaintances, all too often react with a comment such as 'Oh, you're still there?' or a facial expression that is just as telling. In the city where I attended high school, it seems that more often than not, it is the goal for the residents to get their college degrees (elsewhere and however far away) and return to the city. I don't have any real emotional ties to that place - it is stale. The image that comes to my mind is a still pond covered in foam and mosquito larva. I am sure this statement would offend the residents of said city, but as far as I can tell, I am just rambling in my journal to no one who lives there, and of course, I have always been a bit too eager to give out my opinion and all too aware that not many have ever cared about it.

I guess to me, teaching Spanish at the university which I attended is no less noble than returning home and picking up a job at the mall Waldenbooks, because let's face it, the job market here is not so much of a 'market' as it is a picked over yard sale. Maybe I am trying to justify my current residence though, this is always possible.

While I do sincerely like the city where I live now, the one that is home to my university, I too am growing tired of this place. Walking down and around the English department and seeing the leaves stroke against the brick was something that, in that moment, I knowingly took for granted, giving the sort of mental response 'I have seen this far too often.' I suppose it will be like that anywhere, but more importantly, I know that this is not the place for me, I know that this is not what I would consider my final stop. It is not even on my list of final stops (that might change when I am in my fifties). I have places I want to go right now, and I want to be there. I would not be making the wisest of financial decisions if I uprooted myself so quickly, particularly when Paul is trying to steady his legs on shaky ground, putting dollar by dollar in the bank and attempting to limit his own financial dependence. We are both doing this (though I think both our families are always willing to help out in exceptional ways).

I really do want my PhD - desperately. I love graduate school for the work, and I suppose it is the research that makes this all so exciting for me, and perhaps I will want to hang myself when going in to get my doctorate, but right now it sounds like one of the most appealing things to me. I want the east coast. I want many things.

I am finding now as I grow that I am not nearly as unmotivated as I was in my first few years at the university when I was uncertain as to what I wanted to do (or rather, how to do what it was I wanted to do - write). I am becoming someone who is motivated to do nearly anything - as I told my mother on the phone last week, I could pick up a real estate license so that I would have a number of things to 'fall back on' and she thought this a good idea (if need be). What I mean to say is that more and more, every subject is becoming an interesting possibility. My ex (in a way I begin to think of him as one of the first as he was the first of 'long term' partners) had picked up, to my knowledge, a major in linguistics, or at the very least he had been studying it. At the time I thought 'Why?' and now I find myself growing increasingly addicted the it and to language in general.

I need to extend the due date on a book I checked out from the library some time ago - on the Portuguese language. It's fantastically interesting. I also picked up a text book, the sort used in the classroom, which focuses on general Brasilian Portuguese. I'm excited by this.

Anyway, while this town is beginning to seem - every now and then - a bit lackluster, I am enjoying my job and my studies and without a doubt the courses themselves and the time I spend in those classrooms.

Unrelated note: I bought the Citizen Steely Dan (1972 - 1980) box set. I also didn't think it possible but I have worn out Two Against Nature and am need of a new copy. I've come to the conclusion that everyone needs to have at least one Steely Dan song that can be described as their very own theme song.

Part II:

Looking back on it, I do have to admit that I am being somewhat unfair in regards to the city I have come to loathe so much. It is unfortunate, I think, that great things have not continued pouring from it, because at one time in this nation's history, that was not the case. As a matter of fact, one of my favourite writers was born and raised in the city, and while England may claim him as their own because of his literary importance, the first half of his life should not be forgotten.

There is a paragraph on the Eliot link I provided, that makes me wonder if I am going to experience something similar when I set out for schooling in the east:

Later he said that he gave up a sense of belonging to either region, that he always felt like a New Englander in the Southwest, and a Southwesterner in New England (preface to Edgar Ansel Mowrer, This American World [1928]).

Still, the experience will be interesting nonetheless. I should also admit, that apart from the region being Eliot's birthplace, it has done much to shape who I have become, I imagine, and I often wonder how life would have been different if I would have stayed in California. I rather like myself as I am now - for the most part - so perhaps I can at least thank the city for that.

-Monique