look who's blogging
After giving Paul an incredibly hard time for not updating this blog, look who totally neglects it. As it turns out, it's difficult to keep a handful of online journals and it's easier to keep my livejournal & greatestjournal because I read other blogs through those sites.
At any rate, I suppose I'll go into a number of things: The first is that this is my last semester at the university, or at least I hope this to be my last semester here during which I will complete the masters program. I have, in the meantime, been applying to doctoral programs over the country. Whenever I read off my list to someone, people will say 'Wow...those are really good schools' and it always makes me feel, or maybe the feeling is there already, that maybe I am shooting too high. I have an ongoing sense of self doubt, this fear that I will be a constant disappointment, and mostly I am just afraid of disappointing myself, of resigning myself to the position of completely mediocre & forgettable. At twenty five, I told Paul, I am too young to rely on intellect alone - where are my looks and charm? Now the question and fear is, what if I do not even have my intellect on which to rely? I don't think I am supposed to expose myself this much on a public blog, that which colleagues can read, but I guess in a sense I always hold on to certain things and everything else is out on the table. I care but rarely am I ashamed.
My following question (to myself) is that if I am not accepted to at least one of the six programs to which I am applying, what do I do? I tell myself this: I will take one or two classes, I will get more recommendations, I will try again. The truth of the matter is though, while all this will happen in the event that I am not accepted, they will not happen so easily and calmly. So, my answer, of which I am most positive, is this: I will lose it.
To be honest, though I have a degree in secondary education, such a degree was obtained because of my interest in English (that is my degree emphasis), and my realization that I would have to do something with it (teaching was preferred) and that in order to teach, I should not walk into any program lacking in those skills. That does not necessarily mean I wanted to teach high school, but instead that I needed to know about the process of teaching so I could be a decent one - or at least know what a decent teacher should be - at the university level. Certainly I did not enter into Secondary English Education so that I could make my students feel that their dialect was inferior and I would use terms like 'agrammatical' in areas to which they did not apply. My God, remember that I am not a grammarian.
At any rate, regardless of whether or not I am accepted into a program, and for the sake of my mental and emotional health, I better be, Paul & I have talked about eh, you know, by the end of the year. My preference is October or November, just after our four year anniversary. I say 'eh, you know' because I think Paul at this moment might not feel comfortable just flat out saying it. He's a bit traditional and wants the ring question popping scenario. Fortunately for him, Taco Bell stole my idea and started writing 'Will you marry me?' on their sauce packets. Here's to hoping that's his preferred method of asking. The whole idea of 'popping the question' seems like an unnecessary formality to me because he knows the answer is yes and we've already said that we plan it to be in autumn of this year. It's not that I am not romantic, but it's that my idea of romance involves signing the papers and wearing the best dress in the world, riding off under helmets and on a vespa into the sunset. I'm simple there because I'm complicated everywhere else. I just want to take photographs or sit in photobooths and make home movies to French pop and go on picnics. I want to walk a dog together and mostly I hope that in these scenarios my hair is really great.
What's nice is that when I think about Paul & how he will be in the future, I see him as following the footsteps of his parents, both who are amazing people. His dad has something to say about everything. You'd never know he spent most of his time running a restaurant because he sounds like he just reads all the time. His mother never says anything mean about anyone and when she or Paul are trying to hide something they start cracking a smile that gives it away. It's very sweet.
I have a million more words to write & will do so in a later entry!
-Monique
At any rate, I suppose I'll go into a number of things: The first is that this is my last semester at the university, or at least I hope this to be my last semester here during which I will complete the masters program. I have, in the meantime, been applying to doctoral programs over the country. Whenever I read off my list to someone, people will say 'Wow...those are really good schools' and it always makes me feel, or maybe the feeling is there already, that maybe I am shooting too high. I have an ongoing sense of self doubt, this fear that I will be a constant disappointment, and mostly I am just afraid of disappointing myself, of resigning myself to the position of completely mediocre & forgettable. At twenty five, I told Paul, I am too young to rely on intellect alone - where are my looks and charm? Now the question and fear is, what if I do not even have my intellect on which to rely? I don't think I am supposed to expose myself this much on a public blog, that which colleagues can read, but I guess in a sense I always hold on to certain things and everything else is out on the table. I care but rarely am I ashamed.
My following question (to myself) is that if I am not accepted to at least one of the six programs to which I am applying, what do I do? I tell myself this: I will take one or two classes, I will get more recommendations, I will try again. The truth of the matter is though, while all this will happen in the event that I am not accepted, they will not happen so easily and calmly. So, my answer, of which I am most positive, is this: I will lose it.
To be honest, though I have a degree in secondary education, such a degree was obtained because of my interest in English (that is my degree emphasis), and my realization that I would have to do something with it (teaching was preferred) and that in order to teach, I should not walk into any program lacking in those skills. That does not necessarily mean I wanted to teach high school, but instead that I needed to know about the process of teaching so I could be a decent one - or at least know what a decent teacher should be - at the university level. Certainly I did not enter into Secondary English Education so that I could make my students feel that their dialect was inferior and I would use terms like 'agrammatical' in areas to which they did not apply. My God, remember that I am not a grammarian.
At any rate, regardless of whether or not I am accepted into a program, and for the sake of my mental and emotional health, I better be, Paul & I have talked about eh, you know, by the end of the year. My preference is October or November, just after our four year anniversary. I say 'eh, you know' because I think Paul at this moment might not feel comfortable just flat out saying it. He's a bit traditional and wants the ring question popping scenario. Fortunately for him, Taco Bell stole my idea and started writing 'Will you marry me?' on their sauce packets. Here's to hoping that's his preferred method of asking. The whole idea of 'popping the question' seems like an unnecessary formality to me because he knows the answer is yes and we've already said that we plan it to be in autumn of this year. It's not that I am not romantic, but it's that my idea of romance involves signing the papers and wearing the best dress in the world, riding off under helmets and on a vespa into the sunset. I'm simple there because I'm complicated everywhere else. I just want to take photographs or sit in photobooths and make home movies to French pop and go on picnics. I want to walk a dog together and mostly I hope that in these scenarios my hair is really great.
What's nice is that when I think about Paul & how he will be in the future, I see him as following the footsteps of his parents, both who are amazing people. His dad has something to say about everything. You'd never know he spent most of his time running a restaurant because he sounds like he just reads all the time. His mother never says anything mean about anyone and when she or Paul are trying to hide something they start cracking a smile that gives it away. It's very sweet.
I have a million more words to write & will do so in a later entry!
-Monique
posted by Monique Mendoza at 1/14/2007 11:14:00 AM
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