look who's blogging too

I am not the sort to make resolutions for the New Year. I could care less about making promises to myself because of a certain date that I wouldn’t make otherwise. Even so, after having seen a sort of resolution from a member of a journaling community to which I belong, I thought I would try something similar. That goal was to see a certain number of movies in a year – and of course these were movies one had never seen before, old or new. My small goal is fifty because I realize that I have had neither time, money, nor the right company to watch many movies. Paul is never in the mood to watch movies – and I mean never. This is why I love going to the Ragtag theatre, because going alone to such a small movie house doesn’t make me feel as alone as I might at say, an AMC theatre.

Since setting my goal on Friday or Saturday, I have watched five movies. The first of these was Pan’s Labyrinth or El laberinto del fauno by Guillermo del Toro. The movie follows two perpendicular storylines (parallel just is not the right word here): the fantasy world of a little girl and the reality of post-Civil War Spain. I suppose the fantasy world could be its own alternate reality, but that is for the viewer to decide and for me I think it really was more a matter of fantasy.

For as much promise as the movie had – a dark fantasy moving alongside such a harsh reality – the movie itself was only all right. It was mediocre, no more, no less, and nearly forgettable. The only thing memorable about it is the praise it has received making it, for me, seem fairly overrated. Mind you, I read reviews after I saw the film. I had to ask myself if I had seen a completely different movie from the masterpiece these reviewers had seen. The movie had loads of potential, that for sure it was not lacking, but potential left relatively unfulfilled.

This fantasy, which is clearly directed at adults because of the moments of graphic violence in the film, used the convenient tool of a Spanish nationalist (read: fascist) as the villain. But wait, weren’t they villains? Well, if you ask me, yes, completely. Mind you I wasn’t even alive at the time this was happening, but it was the principal of the thing, man! However, the depiction of one group as fanged, bloodthirsty monsters in the shape of men and the opposing group as oppressed saints is, well, too simplistic. It is simplified in such a way that my intelligence is insulted. Oddly enough, the movie that came to mind while watching this was, of all things, Franco’s Raza because of his portrayal of the Civil War as clearly “good” versus “evil” black and white issues with nothing in between.

With this in mind, there were several questions I had about the villain. Was his behaviour an oversimplified commentary on fascists? Was it a comment on the machismo of the age (that still continues well into this century)? Or was the captain a typical fairytale villain? I have already commented on what I viewed as a failure had the first possibility been the case. In case of the second – machismo – it seemed that it would have been clearer or made more sense if the protagonist had been an adult woman as in the case of say an Almodóvar film. Finally, in the case that he was simply a one-dimensional fairytale villain, I have to ask myself why it is I can accept such a character in other fantasies – and with ease – but cannot in the case of El laberinto. The answer is this: The moments in which fantasy is noticeable are more like interruptions to a war storyline. They are wonderful – I will give del Toro that, the fantasy is fantastic – but not enough time is spent on them that would allow me to suspend my disbelief in regard to the villain. My problem with the film is simply that – there is more ‘reality’ but I don’t find it well executed, and there is not enough fantasy which was well-executed, and I cannot simply watch the war aspects of this film and accept it as a fairytale because del Toro’s narrative did not bring me into the realm of the sage.

That being said, the characters are left open to analysis particularly because the director’s direction is ambiguous, yet it is the holes of the movie and not its actual contents that I feel invoke interpretation. I will liken it to fanfiction that is written to give untouched characters a history to fulfill the needs of audience. Talking about the movie is admittedly more intellectually stimulating and interesting than the movie itself & the same can be said for some mundane Hollywood blockbuster.

-Mo

look who's blogging

After giving Paul an incredibly hard time for not updating this blog, look who totally neglects it. As it turns out, it's difficult to keep a handful of online journals and it's easier to keep my livejournal & greatestjournal because I read other blogs through those sites.

At any rate, I suppose I'll go into a number of things: The first is that this is my last semester at the university, or at least I hope this to be my last semester here during which I will complete the masters program. I have, in the meantime, been applying to doctoral programs over the country. Whenever I read off my list to someone, people will say 'Wow...those are really good schools' and it always makes me feel, or maybe the feeling is there already, that maybe I am shooting too high. I have an ongoing sense of self doubt, this fear that I will be a constant disappointment, and mostly I am just afraid of disappointing myself, of resigning myself to the position of completely mediocre & forgettable. At twenty five, I told Paul, I am too young to rely on intellect alone - where are my looks and charm? Now the question and fear is, what if I do not even have my intellect on which to rely? I don't think I am supposed to expose myself this much on a public blog, that which colleagues can read, but I guess in a sense I always hold on to certain things and everything else is out on the table. I care but rarely am I ashamed.

My following question (to myself) is that if I am not accepted to at least one of the six programs to which I am applying, what do I do? I tell myself this: I will take one or two classes, I will get more recommendations, I will try again. The truth of the matter is though, while all this will happen in the event that I am not accepted, they will not happen so easily and calmly. So, my answer, of which I am most positive, is this: I will lose it.

To be honest, though I have a degree in secondary education, such a degree was obtained because of my interest in English (that is my degree emphasis), and my realization that I would have to do something with it (teaching was preferred) and that in order to teach, I should not walk into any program lacking in those skills. That does not necessarily mean I wanted to teach high school, but instead that I needed to know about the process of teaching so I could be a decent one - or at least know what a decent teacher should be - at the university level. Certainly I did not enter into Secondary English Education so that I could make my students feel that their dialect was inferior and I would use terms like 'agrammatical' in areas to which they did not apply. My God, remember that I am not a grammarian.

At any rate, regardless of whether or not I am accepted into a program, and for the sake of my mental and emotional health, I better be, Paul & I have talked about eh, you know, by the end of the year. My preference is October or November, just after our four year anniversary. I say 'eh, you know' because I think Paul at this moment might not feel comfortable just flat out saying it. He's a bit traditional and wants the ring question popping scenario. Fortunately for him, Taco Bell stole my idea and started writing 'Will you marry me?' on their sauce packets. Here's to hoping that's his preferred method of asking. The whole idea of 'popping the question' seems like an unnecessary formality to me because he knows the answer is yes and we've already said that we plan it to be in autumn of this year. It's not that I am not romantic, but it's that my idea of romance involves signing the papers and wearing the best dress in the world, riding off under helmets and on a vespa into the sunset. I'm simple there because I'm complicated everywhere else. I just want to take photographs or sit in photobooths and make home movies to French pop and go on picnics. I want to walk a dog together and mostly I hope that in these scenarios my hair is really great.

What's nice is that when I think about Paul & how he will be in the future, I see him as following the footsteps of his parents, both who are amazing people. His dad has something to say about everything. You'd never know he spent most of his time running a restaurant because he sounds like he just reads all the time. His mother never says anything mean about anyone and when she or Paul are trying to hide something they start cracking a smile that gives it away. It's very sweet.

I have a million more words to write & will do so in a later entry!

-Monique