June is Endboss month ... and other things

I never update this thing, and I think it's because I'm unsure if anyone reads this. Actually, scratch that, it's probably because I'm lazy when it comes to blogs. I mean, considering this thing just ate my whole entry and I'm now rewriting it, can anyone really blame me.

June has been a far more interesting month than normal for me, as it's usually a pretty lazy, do-nothing month. I've been to Chicago twice this month, once for my cousin's birthday and the other for Midwest Championships, and had a great time both times. In fact, I don't think I've ever had a bad experience in Chicago, although when Monique got the flu as I turned 21 was surely not a red-letter day for anyone involved. However, that's a story for another time.

I also managed to get a job, after spending most of the month working exclusively freelance and on my column since Gunther's closed, and right now my bank account is showing the wear from the time off. However, once I get my pay from the freelance gig and after I get my first check from the new job, I should be where I want to be financially. I also should be almost able to get a PlayStation 3, which is first on a short list of big purchases to be made in the near future. With the PS3, I'll finally be able to play Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection which we never got at arcades here in Columbia. The nearest machine is also roughly two hours away (bleh).

Speaking of games, did it get mentioned Gunther's closed? I know it was hard to avoid if you're reading this and living in Columbia, but the city's last real arcade (yes I went there) closed a little over a month ago now, and some people are still reeling from it. I know when I was in Chicago playing games this last weekend, people were asking us (my friend and I from Columbia) if it was true about the arcade, and expressing disappointment and some disbelief that the arcade was doing as poorly as it was. Some people didn't even know the arcade had closed, and were a bit shocked to hear the news. Truly a bummer for the Columbia (and larger) gaming community.

So, I think I'll end on that high note for now.

cheers,

-paul

rambling

I feel consistently obligated now to update this blog because I have let it sit with one entry per month & Paul is very bad about updating blogs in general. I am also overwhelmed by this desire to talk about myself on a constant basis. I think that maybe there is nothing I love more than exposing my feelings, which is odd considering it is difficult for me to cry in public. I think to some extent I became obsessed with the notion of professionalism, or I became my mother. It is probably a combination of the two.

I used to cry, truthfully, for everything and in front of anyone because crying for me was very real and very much a successful way of expressing how it was I felt at that moment. It is unfortunate then that I met too many people who liked to see me cry. I think in a way crying was, for the insecure, reassuring. It became 'She loves me and she hurts because she loves me,' and suddenly hurt was the only way my love was manifested for some. Or maybe it was all tied up in some power issues. Love should never be like that. Love should never be about waiting for things to go right. I've left almost every partner I have ever had when I felt like I was waiting on us. People say that love conquers all, but I say that the love of one person just isn't enough.

Haha! God I feel like I should be embarrassed whenever I write these sorts of things, as though I am letting anyone read the inside of my diary. I do keep some things hidden though - very few. I am still the same as I was when I was a teen in that regard, I am unashamed in a lot of aspects of my life. I think it is because I get insanely bored with small talk.

When Paul & I first started talking - and I mean outside of his snarky 'Does it look like I care?' comments - we jumped right in to conversations that could leave one emotionally vulnerable. It is exciting to be open to someone. It is exciting to be vulnerable. It is even more exciting when you find that person attractive. His hand brushed against mine once. I remember that it was dark outside and there were bumps in the sidewalk, he moved with the path and our bodies got so close that for a second I could feel his hand & my entire chest tightened up and my breath was caught in my throat.

We used to walk late nights around campus and meet on the columns. I was never sly when I would talk to him online, I'd say that I felt like going to Memorial Union to read and he knew I meant for him to find me there. He always did. We walked around Broadway and Stuart & the neighbourhoods in between talking about relationships and insecurities & friends & hopes & wants.

Do you know what I want? What I really want or who I really am? I fantasize. I fantasize daily and almost all of the day about vulnerable conversations. Sometimes I am with someone on a park bench and I am telling the person everything I am feeling at that moment and sometimes I can cry in front of that person. Someone is listening and then someone is telling me everything in that moment. I fantasize that I can tell someone about my future dreams, however trivial: about a dog and a garden and bird feeders, bedsheets and wall paint & photographs. Sometimes I fantasize that the person knows exactly what I mean - like if I say that Yo La Tengo's 'Black Flowers' is what my relationship would sound like if it had been a song, or that most of the music I hear transports me to fields and dresses and the sort of orange glow of sunshine you'd expect to see in a photograph taken from the nineteen seventies.

I really ramble, don't I?

-Monique

updates!

A summer update - as Paul never ever ever updates, I'll make some notes. This summer has been less than exciting & as with every summer, a freak occurrence in my health sent me to the doctor's office. To give one an idea of how boring this summer has been, my roommate Max & I are staring out the window at a squirrel with huge nuts (no pun intended). 'Wow, that's disgusting,' he says as the squirrel rubs them all over our porch, 'I'm never walking out there barefoot again.' How this squirrel manages to walk is beyond me!

In other news, RagTag's birthday is coming up - actually, from what I hear it's not really the exact date & I think it is a bit older than seven years. The point is that there will be free cake & Joe Versus the Volcano on Thursday, 28 June.

Paul is moving in next month, therefore I can't say that we got this journal instead of moving in together. I gave our blog a bit of a makeover because of that. I am making plans for what we will do with the open room - computers, television, video game systems, bookshelves. I will also use up that closet for my clothes because I have too much clothing.

I know, this update is super exciting. I need to go colour the whites out of my hair. I am twenty five and I have so many white hairs!

-Monique